In Full Smile!

I can never be happier to know that Allah SWT has granted my doa. Thank you, Allah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

A week ago, I met one of the RMIT University's representatives at the Australian Education Fair held in PJ Hilton. I received a notification email from the International Relations Officer of the institution regarding the education fair and he asked me to meet their representative, Kenneth Eu at the event. So I did.

I am good to submit my application letter to both University of Adelaide and RMIT University, but can't do so, not until I receive a consent from the potential supervisor(s) at those institution to take me as a student under their supervision for my Ph.D.

I wasn't devastated but quite sad when he told me so.

But I kept reminding myself that it's not that easy to get things done. "Kejayaan takkan datang bergolek tanpa usaha", Ayah once said to me and each time uneasiness and sadness seized me, I remind myself of Ayah's piece of valueless advice. And on top of that, I have always told myself of HIS promise- 'Allah SWT hanya akan membantu umat yang membantu dirinya sendiri'.

So I did as being told by Kenneth. When I was writing the email, I prayed very hard to HIM in my heart. I remember Kenneth told me that it's not easy to get a supervisor to approve the proposal, especially in this festive season since most of them are on long Christmas leave.

As soon as I got back, I sat before my laptop, writing emails to those potential supervisors from both University of Adelaide and RMIT University. Deep in my heart, I kept telling myself that I might need to try again and again as it's not easy to get their consent. So I prayed again.

I checked my email the following day. It's the biggest surprise in my life receiving a reply from one of those potential supervisor I contacted on the other day! The surprise gets bigger he told me that he's very interested in my proposed research topic and gave his consent to take me as a Ph.D student under his supervision. Without I'm actually realizing it, tears dropped down my face. Ya Allah, terima kasih!

I would also like to thank the person I meant, Dr. Chika Anyanwu, for his willingness to take me as one of his students. The opportunity given by Allah Taala to me will never be wasted, that's my vow. InsyaALLAH.

Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.

I've promised myself to be a better person everyday. Ameen.

Mission Accomplished. Alhamdulillah.

Yesterday was a big day for me and all of my classmates, I believe.

Alhamdulillah, I got my final examination results at around 9.55pm. From that moment onwards, I finally know that I've graduated my master's degree- Master of Mass Communication, to be exact. Alhamdulillah again and again.

I can't be explaining how relieved I was looking at my GPA for final semester and overall CGPA. I feel so blessed knowing that I managed to increased my CGPA as that's what most important for me in qualifying me for Ph.D candidature next year.

When I first viewed my result slip online, I was jiggered and stunned. I hardly believed what my eye balls saw on the laptop screen. I had never imagine getting such a result. Thank you, Allah Taala. Though I was happy with my GPA, my I am happier knowing that I've improved my CGPA. Alhamdulillah.

I've been told by my classmates that senate will release our examination result yesterday, but yes, it was so hard for me to squeezed into the congested network to check my result. UiTM has more than half a million students checking their results nationwide, during the same hours. So, tell me about that ;p

There is no word to explain how bad I suffered waiting for the moment to check my final result. I couldn't make a single guess about it, not even a rough target of what I'll be getting as I had no idea of how good or how bad I did my assignments and examinations. It was a jittery day for me, anxiously waiting for the senate to release the students' results.

My mentors continuously explained that the victory is due to my own works. But to me, and I know for sure, I won't be here and I won't be the person I am today without the help, doa, guidance and support from my beloved parents, my mentors (Assoc. Prof. Dr.Halimahton, Prof. Dr.Bukhory, Assoc. Prof. Dr.Haidar, Prof. Roslena & Assoc. Prof Rosni), my best friends (Alys, Farha, Tiqah, Elena & Hazah plus the rest of the girls!) and also my dearest classmates in Mc770 batch 2007-2009.

I am nobody without them. Seriously. So, I would like to congratulate them as well for being the greatest parents, greatest mentors and greatest friends on planet earth! I love all of you, wholeheartedly.

And on top of all that, I would like to express my utmost gratitude to Allah SWT for according me with knowledge, inspirations, patience and health throughout my studies and I know very well that I won't be able to stand up to this level without the helps from HIM. I feel so blessed and I can't stop thanking Allah Taala for the blessings he has given to me, amidst the wrongdoings and all bad things I've done in my life. Thank you, Allah for granting my doa.

Last but not least, I would like to exclusively thank one person- a man who has been there during my ups and downs. I know I can't thank him enough for all patience, moral supports, doa and helping hand he lend to me so far to make things easier for me. You know who you are :)

To the rest of my classmates, CONGRATULATIONS y'all! See you on the convocation day in May 2010. I can't wait :)

Great Foods, Great Time Together!

I would like to personally thank Kak Sarah and her beloved husband for hosting a house warming party yesterday.

And for those who have no idea about the name, Kak Sarah was my one of my classmates during the master's degree and we are going to be related since my second cousin is going to tie the knot with Kak Sarah's twin sister, Kak Nasirah.

How small the world could be for all of us, right? And that reminds me of one of Ayah's most precious advice, "Jangan pernah berbuat jahat pada sesiapa. Dunia ni kecil sahaja...", he said to me a few years ago. True enough, I'd came across a few experiences which have proved that piece of advice to be true. "Tak rugi dengar nasihat orang tua", I told myself repeatedly.

Coming back to the main topic, Kak Sarah has moved into a new house in Klang with her beloved husband. And her generosity has allowed us to be invited to their house warming party and we were served with lots of dishes, delicious ones, to be exact! Here, I would like to congratulate Kak Sarah and Abg. Sham (the husband) for successfully organizing a simple yet meaningful party.

I tell you, people...the foods were great! And they were coupled with great moments spent together with classmates attending the party- Kak Azwa, Kak Yan, Kak Mimi, Kak Mira, Zue, Ina, Jay and Shikin including me who wittingly came with an empty stomach as much I knew that Kak Sarah would be serving good foods to stuffed my big-empty stomach!

In the first place, I was quite upset knowing that the host was not cooking laksa ala Kedah for us. Oh let me tell you something, Kak Sarah's laksa is one of the best 'laksa experiences' I've had in my entire life. She's originally from Kedah, so we can't beat her 'air tangan' . So do I still need to mention that? ;p

But, I was all cheered up knowing that she has prepared the very special 'ayam masak serai', which is definitely one of her specialties. People, you guys gotta try this, it's super delicious. Take my words, y'all. Considering that I'm not the one who came with big-empty stomach, I left some for orang belakang, after 'swallowing' six big pieces of chickens. Big-time eater, tell me..~

Last but not least, I would like to congratulate (again) Kak Sarah and Abg. Sham for successfully moving into the new house. My prayers will always be with you guys, insyaALLAH. May Allah SWT bless the home with lots of happiness, eternal love, wealth and adorable kids, ameen.

To the rest of the classmates, you guys are awesome!

Time Flies...~

It was the end of December 2006 when I first registered as a postgraduate student in Universiti Teknologi MARA (UiTM), Shah Alam.

I can clearly remember moments that took place during the day. Amidst the fact that I was not so well on that particular day, happiness was mushrooming inside me. "I am finally back to school!", I spoke to myself.

Two years flew just like that. I still remember the painful-yet-exciting-journey I had experienced throughout the duration. What is life without challenges, right?

One thing for sure, I have learned a lot, more than the years can count. All I know for sure, the challenges and happiness- both delineated great experiences that will permanently remembered in my whole life!

Before the enrollment, I was haunted by all sorts of daunting thoughts and questions- "Can I make it throughout the two unpromising years?", "Am I going to be able to mix up with new classmates, many of whom I had no idea about their interests and preferences?", "Who is going to be my tablemate?", etc. Oh yes, I had more than those worrying thoughts, more than reasons could explain.

I did ask myself, "How does it feel being a postgraduate student who have to reach 3.75 and above in order to be in the Dean's list and have to be in the list for two consecutive semesters to be eligible to graduate with distinction?" Strewth, those questions haunted me horribly!

I attended to those worrying questions myself. I was reluctant to share with anyone else, especially my beloved parents as much as I do not want them to be worried. Moreover, I was out of a clue of how I can explain the state of feeling I had at that time to others.

So I told myself that it is just a matter of time. I strongly believed that time is the best healer and with careful steps, everything will always be in place.

I kept telling myself that it was my decision to pursue master's degree, no one forced me to do so. In fact, I should be thankful to Allah SWT for granting my doa to be there and I am forever thankful to my parents for their continuous doa and moral supports which helped me to pull through.

Alhamdulillah, from the first day I walked into the class, I knew that Allah SWT has granted my doa. Not to mention the nitty-gritty incidents that happened especially during the first semester, I wholeheartedly loved the classes I attended throughout the two years in school.

My exciting and beloved classmates were among the reasons which have encouraged me not to miss class unreasonably. And above all, I cannot be thankful enough to my dear mentors and lecturers who have continuously given to me their restless supports and best wishes, thus injected me with strong spirit to work harder from time to time.

I have learned something precious from my master's degree experience: "We won't be able to really be sure about something, not until we did it".

It is all right to anticipate things, but just make sure that we won't be carried away too far with the thoughts. Always expect for the worse, therefore we will not take things for granted and never be too confident is always the rule of thumb to seize victory, I believe.

Alhamdulillah, me and my classmates have accomplished our two years studies. A few of us went straight from bachelor degree to master whilst the rest entered postgraduate studies with bountiful working experiences from different fields. I believed that I was the one with least experience, but with constant contact with my classmates, I have picked experiences from here and there, from time to time. Alhamdulillah, again.

Everything I had with my classmates have added meaningful colors into my life and will be forever appreciated. I just hope that the friendship that has been built will stay there ever after, ameen. Finishing school does not mean that we are no longer connected. People come and go, but friendship lasts forever, innit? :)

To all my dearest classmates, CONGRATULATIONS for making it up to this level! All the best in your future endeavors.

An Official COMEBACK!

It has been AGES since my last post. Fine. Fine ;p

To all dear friends and followers, my deepest apology for not being able to update my blog in real time as I was badly caught in real tight schedule all these while. But hold on to my words, I will be continuously update my blog from now on as I am so in my SIX MONTHS holidays! Weee-weee...!~ ;)

Tonight I will not be writing anything serious anyway. I just need a perfect kick start for me to re-embark on my blogging activities like I used to be. Since I finished my studies couples of weeks ago, it was quite hard for me to pilfer some minutes for this as I have been 'fully booked' by family members and friends for quite a number of occasions.

So, I decided that I need to do it- even just a brief one- for the sake of bringing back the ideal momentum in me. Alhamdulillah, here I am :)

Will throw more updates very soon, insyaALLAH. At least now I know that I am already here, again.

Catch y'all later!~

English is for Everyone. Make Rooms for It!

I hope that it is not too late for me to talk (to write, actually) about this.

I really want to put a discourse for this one particular issue which have stirred much pandemic in Malaysia, especially amongst the scholars, school teachers, parents, the government and everyone who cares, really.

Recently, the government has announced the reversion of Mathematics and Science subjects to be taught in Malay language, in stages, starting in 2012. For those who deprecate this very decision (including me!), we have to realize that the kids in school have less than three years to enjoy the hidden benefits of learning English.

Why did I say less than three years? It was very much because I strongly believe (I might be wrong, though) that as soon as the government made the announcement, the struggles and motivation to still teach those two subjects in English would decrease enormously. Yes, it is undeniably true that our schools will still conduct the subjects in English, but I am talking about the 'spirit' now. That is why I said that its going to be less than three years.

And those who have been dearly waiting for the government to make such a reversion would consider teaching Mathematics and Science in English as pivotal no more. Slowly but surely, the pupils are so getting back to the old track, and this situation is taking its place in the driver's seat even before 2012 says hi.

The government has its very own justifications for making this decision. And in today's newspaper, our Deputy Prime Minister, Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin, reiterated that the government's decision on the reversion is final. When justifying, the government explained that research done on the effectiveness of the usage of English in teaching Mathematics and Science have somehow jepopardized the overall examination results of pupils, especially those in the rural areas.

But then again, I am not so sure whether they have disclose the full research for the public to witness, or I might have overlooked at it. We can say that this decision is a benevolent action on one hand, yet daunting on the other.

Mathematics and Science are two very important subjects which will help our dear country to galvanize itself to be a country which can be deemed as a well developed one. When we talk about this, it is very much about going global (or glokal, whichever you think is best). To go global, the utmost thing is to speak the international language and Malay language can never be one, not even in 100 years to come. but English already is and will stay there permanently. Look, I am not depreciating my very own mother-tongue language, but this is about talking FACT, living in REALITY.

Well yes, on July 13, the government through the Education director-general, Tan Sri Alimuddin Mohd Don has made further announcement that to make way for English, they have decided to reduce the hours for three subjects (Music, Physical Education and Science) by 45 minutes each to accommodate for English language. Me myself thanked the government for this, although back in school Physical Education is one of my favourites! (Netball, softball, hockey and volleyball..Ouh, I miss those old days).

While this might be a pretty good news, but as a citizen, I am afraid still. First, we are talking about Mathematics and Science as the most important subjects to generate more desirable developments for Malaysia. Second, except English language, all subjects taught in local schools will be in Malay language and mother-tongue languages in national-type schools. Tan Sri Alimudin also said that the minister will encourage teachers to use English terms in teaching art subjects.

I think this is confusing, though. To use mix-language in teaching is definitely not a smart decision anyway. How can such an action encourage English proficiency amongst the school kids and Malaysians at large? Or are we leading ourselves to talk Mang-lish instead of pure Malay or English language? Please tell me that the answer is a big no.

The government definitely has heterogeneous interests to protect. So I guess, it is not merely on the government's shoulder to carry this thing. Parents, teachers and all individuals who care should really nail down this thing.

Do we really care? If the answer is a yes, then let's play our roles to cultivare English proficiency in ourselves, the kids and future generations alike. Let's encourage the usage of English in education as the course of learning goes beyond the clasroom.

Point taken. It's on us now. So good luck everyone!

Could You Please Return the Carts? Thank You.

I can count with my bare fingers how many times the shopping carts in most hypermarkets in Malaysia are heaped up properly. It's not too much of exaggeration if I say that at most times, the carts were found scattered all over the hypermarkets compounds, definitely not in proper places!

I can never understand the leading reason(s) for this condition. I am not condemning hastily, but I've been observing this for the past one year. Returning the carts to its proper places is another pandemic amongst Malaysians and this is a posteriori.

My mother is another Tesco, Bintang and Carefour's loyal customer. She has always got good reasons to go out for groceries shopping in those places but one thing for sure, she's not so fond with the idea shopping in Giant. So I bet I've made adequate observations on this very issue.

Well, the problem is not that severe in Bintang Hypermarket and Carefour compared to Tesco. The factor is simply obvious. The latter provides the carts for free. As for Bintang and Carefour, they require a Rm0.20 deposit from the customers to use their carts. So, for the sake of that Rm0.20, the people would take the pain to return the carts in proper places.

It made me ponder so bad.

How come it could be that hard for Malaysia to cultivate disciplines amongst its citizens? Remind you that we merely refer to this very problem now, let alone some other killing pandemics which could be the axiom of apotheosis of civility issues in this country.

Feel shame of our own people? But, if we fail to fix this very problem, shame on us twice!

We've always been proud living in a modern country like Malaysia. We claimed that we are highly civilized with the enormous technology advancement that have been taking place tremendously in Malaysia. But apparently, we've denied the very fact that we aren't acting enough like one.

Returning the carts to its proper places shouldn't be a biggie for citizens who proudly claimed themselves to be highly civilized. It's another form of social responsibility. We don't always think that the attendants in blue shirts should be doing that for us, right? Point taken now.

There's a common statement, "Orang Malaysia macamni la. Bukan nak fikir pasal orang lain. Janji lepas tengkuk dia, sudah!" I hate this statement. Neither you who are reading this, right? We aren't that selfish and we aren't cut to be heartless.

Come on, we can make a change. Let's start on this simple something. Or else, there's no use cursing others who depreciate and undermine our people.

To nurture good wills should cost less than Rm0.20. Innit true?

Please Learn PLEASE. Never Be Sorry to Say SORRY. Thank You for Saying THANK YOU

PLEASE and SORRY. Not to forget, THANK YOU.

Do they seem to be the hardest word? We make the choice. We choose to make them the hard ones amidst the fact that it's way easier to say them out rather than saying 'I love you' or 'I miss you' or 'I can never live this life without you' or say whatever!

As for me, you don't really have to remind me of how much you love or miss me, neither to say the latter if you can't really be good at saying those three words mentioned above.

It's bitter, but I've to admit it with a big yes that most Malaysians share this common problem. They always find it hard to thank although people have done them a big-time favor. Sorry seems to be the hardest word although it's clear that they have committed misconducts or wrongdoings. And instead of being polite by saying 'please', they tend to act like a snob. Feel offended now? Think again.

We needn't pay a single penny for saying a thank you, please and sorry. Neither that we need to think twice to say so. Say it when we have to say it without pondering longer.

There's another common thought amongst most Malaysians. We've always afraid of the people's reactions to us. We're afraid of not getting good responses from others when we say those words, so we would rather choose not to say any of them. Why should we think of the responses? And for the sake of egoism, we would rather retard the humanistic values. Think again.

I've got a few (many, to be exact!) experiences on this very issue. It's very common when we are using the lifts. Many of us tend to walk out of the lifts without thanking the person who really took the effort to pushed the door-open button as much as the person could just ignore the possibility that you might get stucked between the doors. It won't cost us anything to thank the person who have mind of your safety. It'll in fact encourage that very person and others witnessing it to be more generous.

Many Malaysians thought they're brilliant and civilised enough, especially those who lived in urban areas. They've always deemed themselves to be way better than others in many ways but in fact, their wisdom and values of civilization are evaporating. That would lead them to act like a dullard. That's what we normally find in our daily lives.

It's undoubtedly true that we're living in a very modern world now. But modernisation doesn't denote the idea of letting go the civic concerns and mutual respect between one another. The price shouldn't be that expensive anyway. So, why would we choose to make it costly now?

Malaysians, we don't need a reason to act generous. Think of this.

Sorry to offend anyone and thank you for the thoughts. Together, let's make a big change now. Please.

This One Needs No Title

As much as I should be hunting for contact details of the prospective informants for my thesis, I found myself doing this. My heart has been in dire need to spell out its smiles and cries since the last post.

But then again, I got so tied up with my crazy schedule these lately. Well, I am so bringing it on, now (Dear Thesis, I promise I'll come back to you as soon as I posted this one!).

First of all, I would like to convey my big thanks to Allah SWT for His blesses for the imperfect me. I just received one big good news last night. MOHE has approved my scholarship application.

Well that is just for what I am doing now. But, that is a positive indicator for what I have planned for my dear future. I am so keeping it first with me now. Not until I finally manage to prolong the scholarship for my studies, next year. Therefore, I guess I must not forget to thank MOHE likewise for its generosity.

A few days ago, I attended a public forum organized by the Institute of Ethnic Studies of Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM) at the Integrity Institute of Malaysia (IIM).

The almost-three-hours forum was moderated by Datin Paduka Marina Mahathir (I was even noted about this through her blog. So, thank you Rantings!) and the guest speaker was Prof. Dr. Aneez Esmail, from the University of Manchester, United Kingdom.

Suits with the current political and racial climate in Malaysia, 'RACE RELATIONS: The British Experience' was promised to be an enormously meaningful discourse for all Malaysians who are 'losing the grip', the grip of unity. I hope I got it right. I'll be writing another piece specifically on this one later on.

I have to be honest that all these while, I was caught in the state of ennui for quite some times. I am so not sure of its contributing factor, but seriously, I just can't deny the fact that I have been carried away too far from myself, from the real me.

However, I know that is the price I had to pay for engaging myself in the 'not-so-right business'. Not until I finally pulled myself to pull through that moronic condition. And in this case, I forever owe a big thank to a few persons who have been my shoulder to cry on and for being my strength when I was losing it badly.

Ties of tasks await me now. Toefl is just around the corner and I am so freaking out. Final semester will be raising its curtains very soon. 10 interviews are on my list (the number could grow more). I have to get my resumes done before September or else I can only dream of continuing my studies by next year. My Supervisor is expecting me to start my writing part as soon as the final semester kicks off. Thesis deadline is in October. Viva is expected to be in November.

It is killing me softly and I would be a piece of dead meat if I were to fail to accomplish them all. And for these, I cannot keep my worries in disguise. But then again, I refuse to be engrossed by disenchantment as much as I realize that my desired ambition is still way far from me.

I used to taking one step at a time. From now on, I am teaching myself to make double efforts for each and every steps that I take in order to for me to 'seize' my ambition in time, accordingly to my plan.

Strength, please stay with me. I need to keep the fortitude on green lights.

I Love Me.

At times I wondered, "Can I get the kiss of life again?". At times I felt like the pain-in-the-ass is still there. At times I was able to convinced myself that I make the choice. Although I can still feel the venom, but at least, it is not bleeding like a fountain anymore.

So does that means it is recuperating? I just hope so. I am hoping a big hope, indeed.

Looking at this life in retrospect, I know very well that 'I've been here, done this'. For more than once. Four times to be exact. Four times with great pains. Four times living in denial. Four times as a slave.

Can those four-times make me stronger to face this life?

Again, the choice is mine. I know I should be able to make the right decisions for my ownself. For my dear future. For the best of me. And for those who loved me.

I consoled myself by reminding me that it is my kismet. Written and fated to be so. Those are the promises I made to Allah SWT in the previous life, long before I was born. Iman and do'a are the best strengths that help me to pull through. Now that I have made that decision, I have to move on with this life.

There is no use for me making such a decision and still letting the soul be carried away with the old flows. I have to get back to the driver seat, now! The decision is so in my autonomous power. And if I were to let the autonomous powers of others to rule my life, I can be nominated as the foolish person of the year.

The catastrophe was now behind me. The worst of the time will remain as my history. The reality awaits and that is what I should focus myself from now on. I had devoted thesoul, heart and the brain for that something enough. Way too much, indeed. Now it is time for me to buckle up and move forward swiftly. InsyaAllah.

There is no turning back once I have made up my mind. The decision will stay right there, forever. InsyaAllah. I won't buy the casuistry. Please let me walk alone. I want to fly free now and I am so getting myself the wings.

I Love Me. So much.

Seeing Nimbus...Seeing Rainbow

Today, I was awakened by an unidentifiable something at around 6am. Well well, I consider that as normal for myself nowadays. But as soon as I opened my eyes, I wished myself to have a beutiful Saturday.

Mind to know the reason for that?

I am so going to gather up with my beloved besties today, including Kak Nick, one of my bestest seniors back in Convent years. We've been apart for ages. And I guess it is not too much of exaggeration if I say that today is another historic day for me to be able to meet her!

I know very well that the 'heart' is not doing a-oke these few weeks. It may have started months ago before I finally found myself not being able to take it anymore. At times, I pointed my finger at me, taking all blames for not making the right decision. Or at least, for not being able to make the right decision for myself. I realized, "Aku tidak tahu dimana harus memulakannya untuk mengakhiri sesuatu".

Life can be harder than this. I know that for sure. But then again, the decision is in our hands. We choose what we want in this life. It is very much about making the right decision. Being bold. Living a smart life. Learn from previous mistakes. Looking at experiences (both sweet and bitter) in retrospect.

Each time come to think of it, I choose to be happy. I choose to focus myself for myself. For my very own future. For my parents. For my beloved ones (people, you know who you are). For the bond between me and Allah SWT.

I realized that I am still very far from the person I really want to be. Still very far from what it takes to seize my ambition. And in order to get myself 'there', I should be able to make the right decisions in this life. To be courageous in facing obstacles. To always keep my Iman in whatever situation. InsyaAllah. And for things other than that, aku membiarkan Allah Taala suluhkan jawapannya.

I know I can help myself to pull through this nebulous condition. And only me can do so. So why would I choose to be sad?

My Incautious Expression

"Am I incensed?", I repeatedly asked myself . "No. I am not. I am not incensed. I am not disappointed. I am not sorrowful. I am numb". Yes, the latter is the correct interpretation. I would rather be numbed than thinking of the painful thoughts. I just don't want to bleed again. Ever. If only possible. I have had enough of that. At least, so far. 'Kekuatan hati yang berpegang janji'. Sebelum Cahaya got it all right.

When another promise is refuted, could that make me better frustrated? If the answer is a yes, then I bet I have to re-define the term, correctly this time. Accordingly to my very mould to match my very condition. Apparently, I knew I can never do that.

If the question is why, then here is my answer, "I have been carried away far from that, and I found myself not able to pick up the broken pieces". If the other question asks me what the heck am I doing now? My answer would probably be, "I am with the flow and it can take me wherever". I wouldn't stop, not until I reach the best resort, I guess.

'Jangan biarkan diri anda menjadi sesuatu yang pasti, kerana kelak anda tidak akan dihargai'. I have learned a lot from my previous mistakes. I am used to being stupid. Been a slave. Been there, done that. I thought Icould handle situation well. But it seems like it is getting out of my hands and have challenged my patience way too much. I just afraid that numb is all I have in me now and nothing else. Is that dangerous? I am not so sure. But I am sure that I am keeping up with my sanity. Plus, patience is bulding up. Alhamdulillah.

When you have given your very best for something, yet the result is not up to the par then it is wise to put another pilot test. This time, you still give your very best and lowering down the expectation because you thought that you could give enough rooms for the new seeds to grow on its own and most importantly you won't bleed that much. But apparently, there is no indicator of positve changes, let alone keeping up with your heart. Next, you give the bestest that you could ever do with null expectation because you do not want to burden the subject anymore and you yourself would bleed less. Still, it is not moving anywhere. Discussions over discussions have taken place and one day you feel like there is nothing left on the table. Have cried a river and one day you find yourself not understanding the purpose of crying. Bleed like a fountain and finally you're so numb. As if everything has been incinerated and you can see ashes everywhere. You tried to pick up the ashes, but found nothing else left in your grips than the dark marks.

The heart is stumbled and throwing me to the ground. Like completely. Hanya Engkau dihatiku, Ya Allah.

The Euphoric Effect

It was really good to sleep with blinking stars and smiling moon looking at me. The angel read for me fairy tales to put me to sound sleep. I felt like sleeping the beuty!

Both of my alarm clock and cell phone bugged me sharp at 6.30am. I woke up all in bug-eyed knowing that I'll be meeting my bestie very soon. The beatific expression remains up until now. I just like the beauteous feeling I have in me now. Please stay there. Forever.

I worked accordingly to the plan me and my friend have arranged earlier. It's one of her important days working as the Pegawai Tadbir Diplomatk (PTD). She has picked me as her 'referee' for the today's interview. I reached her crib sharp at 8am. And we made our moves to the Jabatan Perdana Menteri (JPM) like fifteen minutes past eight.

It was just another busy morning in Putrajaya. Vehicles were vrooming here and there, left and right. I felt like a small bug hindred in the middle of abound hooligans. I hate it so much.

But I was pacified once I entered the office- beaus and beefcakes were almost everywhere! Me and my friend found it to be interesting for bachelors like us. Hoo-ha. Naughtiness was creeping in the two of us.

There is one thing for sure. Whenever I am with my besties, there is almost no chance for the silent moments from taking place between us. We are very good at gabfesting this and that. Everything that crossed our minds and eyes could possibly be another momentous experience that would lead us to great meriments.

We reached the second floor at around 8.45am. My friend's interview was scheduled to be at 9am. But both of us felt that it is always good to anticipate as we were expecting for the unexpected. Apparently, everything was in place and alhamdulillah. The invigilator called my friend at around 9.15am and thirty minutes after that, my turn came up.

I spent around 10 minutes in the room answering this and that but it's another cool experience for me. I like. The 'interrogation' by the special branch (SB) went smoothly, more than what I expected. Alhamdulillah again.

I made new friends. I had great new experience being interviewed by SB. I spent great time with my best friend. I observed pretty much today as I were brought to a place I've never been to. In simpler words, it was a beaut experience for me to empower myself better, in many ways. I always love golden opportunities like this.

As for tomorrow, I hope that I deserve another beauteous day. Again and again. More and more. I am crossing my fingers for myself. InsyaAllah.

P/s: I am writing this entry under great influence. Please excuse my insanity. I am half concious at the momento.

Quizzes: The Madness that We All Loved.

The alarm was set to bug me at 6.30am, but I was awaken by the distracted mind at 5.30am, instead. I do not mind to start my day earlier than what I have planned, but I hate to be engrossed by uncertain thoughts. I feel like a moron sitting in my dark room and absorbed by very distractful thoughts. Up until now, I can still feel that something barking out-loud in my head.

Fine. I am so leaving it right there, at least for a while in order for me to earnestly look for the right way to kickstart my Tuesday.

When I was on my way home after my breakfast, I pulled at the newsstand. The uncle knows best what I was looking for and handed to me one. It has all good news about the country's economic condition on the front page, but my eyes were steadfasted on one of the small highlights on the top part of the paper- 'Mad About Crazy Facebook Quizzes'. Ah, it made me feels like I have been printed in the newspaper. I was jolted!

Should I say anything more about the quizzes we found in that fastest growing and effective network? We know it best, I know for sure! The consultant clinical psychologist, Paul Jambunathan advices the people not to take the quizzes seriously. Did we ever? I seriously don't think so. But I am not saying that the observation made by the scholars is inaccurate, but at least, it is inaccurate to justify me. I repeat, at least.

The quiz creator said he was doing it for fun and we are taking it likewise. Why in the world should we rely on the results generated by the itsy-bitsy quizzes? We know ourselves way better than the quizzes can tell! Obviously, those five to ten questions are not adequate enough to generate realiable results. But again, the quizzes and results are no biggie. No one will depends on that like it is another damning fact that should be seriously taken into account.

As for me, personally, my madness towards the quizzes could mean nothing more than the need for me to kill the time since I am still in the early phase of my holidays. I planned to rest my head and to have time just for myself durng the first three weeks of the holidays before I get myself back with my thesis thingys. Although most of the quizzes are plain noncense, but I am taking it as an interesting yet cheap escapism to help me lay back a little bit. That is all about it. It cannot be more serious than that. Done deal.

Paul Jambunathan said to the media that Facebook members deprived themselves of 'real socialising and networking' with others by spending hours in front of the computers. I know I must not dispute this statement, but I bet it is almost unfair to simply generalize it in that way for millons of Facebookers global wide. Me and my friends are not caught in such a condition. Although we do not see each other regularly, but we always make sure that we will pilfer some exclusive moments to be shared together.

Me myself see the noble role of Facebook to better connect my friends and me. By connecting ourselves via Facebook, we can always ensure that we are always in close touch with one another, despite other commitments that require strong devotion in this life. Facebook can pull us together, closer.

I don't see any undesirable outcomes due to Facebooking if everyone knows how to handle this network well enough. To me, Facebook is just another means to socialize ourselves. And it is capable of doing so.

Facebook is the fastest growing and effective means of communication. Now that we have deciphered its capability(I am still referring to the quizzes on Facebook), I guess it can be well manipulated by the ruling leaders to better connect themselves with the people out there. In simpler words, the government can utilise this very function to getting the responses from the public, thus promote better practice of democracy in this country.

Most of Malaysians are doing well with this feature. Most of us are good at taking the quizzes. I see the possibility for the government in bringing the people to actively participate throughout the electoral system through these quizzes. What should be the five to ten questions then? Well, we have more than five to ten issues pertaining to the needs of the people. Figuring the right issues is central to this move. Perhaps this move tally with Prime Minister's quest to achieve the key performance index (KPI) which denotes the idea that 'satisfaction fo the rakyat is benchark of success'.

Point taken.

Understand 'Our Language', anyone?

A few days back, when I was flipping the newspaper, I came across one article which was well articulated by one of Malaysian renowned writers. The piece appeared in the op-ed column.

Before I go any further, I really feel the need to compliment the writer for articulating compelling thoughts, for being bold and in short, for being the voice for the youths. To me, it isot easy to get such ideas printed in the mainstream paper. But this time around, I believed that the paper has challenged its traditional policy and I musy say, BRAVO!

During the general election last year, Barisan Nasional (BN) was devastated due to the results- they lost five states to the opposition parties, Pakatan Rakyat (comprises of PAS, DAP and PKR). Although it went way out of what was expected by the ruling leaders at that time, but this is what we call as democracy. The people has that very power and right in the electoral system.

When we talk about the people who are largely the voters, we are not merely pointing to the middle age and the older ones. Indeed, the young voters should be in the central of concern as they are the rising generation who will replace the elders. Wecare the buzzword. So count us in.

It is important for BN and especially UMNO to realize that the youths are heavy media users. Unlike those in their middle age and the older voters, they largely depend merely on the mainstream media (newspapers, TV and radio), the youths are very fond of the new media and it is undoubtedly true that the Internet has been playing its pervasive role in changing the atitude, mind-set and moulding their beliefs.

With the existence of new media, the media users, especially those who are technology-savvies are no longer mere media users, but they have been categorized as the active media users instead. Active media users get all kinds of information they ever needed through the heterogeneous means of comunication. The new media has made information availability ubiquitous and know-no-boundaries.

And it is pivotal to note that active media users will not blatantly accept news and information fed by the mainstream media as they are all alerted with the role of agenda-setting in the news organizations, regardless of how much the traditional media prove themselves to be objective and fair. Being the 'neutral party' is still way out of the picture as the people knew for sure that almost all newspapers in the country belong to specific political parties whereas they should be 'free from any influences'.

As the active media users, the youths have more than the mainstream media as their information providers. Indeed, provided the political contidion in the country, they have tremendously switched from the mainstream media to the alternative media. But, it does not mean that the mainstream media has been abandoned by the youths. It is just that they demand for more transparency throughout the political practices and the media activities alike.

It is inevitably true that the new media, especially the Internet has filled that 'empty hole'. The quest for freedom of information is on the march. While freedom can bring about undesirable outcomes that would likely to threatened the political stability and uniformity of the people, freedom is also a remedy to anticipating the efforts to avoid disputes in the society.

It is important to understand the difference between 'absolute freedom' and the notion of being a little bit more lenient by putting forth the freedom. The people are not demanding for the former as they can totally understand the consequences, but transparency is the buzzword here. Freedom of information is much needed to pacify the situation we have in our hands now.

Some hidebound people tend to point their fingers blaming the media for being the causal factor. They wrongly analyzed that the ruling government is giving too much leeway for the media practitioners to make their own decisions using their autonomy. But honestly I personally see and can still feel that our media are lacking in freedom to impart information, let alone the issue on autonomous power. What we have here is very much a guarded and guided media.

The new lineup should be abe to recognize the pivotal role of new media and its pervasive influence in reaching the youths out there. They cannot depend solely o the mainstream media because hefty reseaches have proven that the youths are the information technoloy geneation. BN should utilise the wide wings of new media in bringing their vision and mission closer to the people. The alternative media is gaining its momentum tremendously. Some observers believed that the alternative media is the new mainstream media.

Gossips Can Hardly Be Good.

The media, especially the alternative ones have good justifications on how gossips (some call it as rumours) can bring about good fortune to the celebrities. The question now is, do they honestly care about ensuring good fortunes for the celebrities?

As to my very opinion, I see that the reason can be nothing else than generating big MONEY for their organizations. For their survival within this very stiff market.

'Sensationalization' is a lucrative buzzword here.

It is undoubtedly true that gossips are effective in bringing the celebrities' names into the spotlight, thus will be in the central of entertainment media industry. They will be the interests of all followers of the entertainment world. They want to be the buzzword- as long as possible and as much as they can stay right there.

But what kind of influence are they getting out of this? Far from the good ones, obviously.

Gossips are normally associated with negative effects. Still, many celebrities failed in looking for better options to bring their names in the positive lights, thus become a desirable brand for all entetainment industry's freaks. I have heard of one classic example which I considered as way too pathetic.

One of my friends used to befriend with this one female singer. In those years, it was hard for her to penetrate the local market, let alone the idea of going into markets of Indonesia, the Philipines or Singapore. I am not talking about the wrong strategies she engaged with which have led to the failure. But the most interesting part is, she actually 'paid' for her gossip to be written in one entertainment magazine!

She called my friend to asked for his little favor to have a photo session with one of the reporters from the magazine. She requested the reporter to create a 'scandalous' story between her and my friend. She fed the reporter with a good story, of course! Most of me and my friends from Kajang have all read this story.

I guess the singer has successfully achieved the very purposeof her doing this. All she wanted is to bring her name back in the lists of topics that would interests the fans out there. Before I forget, my friend received RM500 as a 'token of appreciation' from that singer. Free money and free advertisement for my friend. Bravo, boy!

I bet that at least for once, most local entertainment fans were pretty much into this gossip, that is why I say that the singer has finally achieved her purpose and tha RM500 was a wise investment for her. But then again, what kind of influence does she get out of her not-so-big investment? Definitely not-a-so-positive one and if it were to be badly fabricated by the media, she might need to pay for 'bigger investment' in the future.

Last night I wathced the seventh concert of Akademi Fantasia. I stayed up until 11pm for Hafiz (Afundi Hafiz oke!) although my body was aching all over due to the watery escapade I had during the day.

Well, my focus here is about the dismissal of Aril (or Aeril or whatever), one out of the talented students in AF7. I am not so fond of Aril, but still I have to admit that he has the talent and he himself is already a good package to add more colours to the existing industry. He has been very stage-friendly, warmth with the audiences plus his good voice. Since week one, he received strong applause from the crowd and has been one of the top ranked students of this season.

Based on my observation and analysis, the turnover took place during the fifth week when they were given tasks to present duet songs with the previous AF students and Aril got Marsha as her partner that week. Aril is a naturally jovial and extrovert person, I guess. It shows that he is not a hypocrite person.

When he got Marsha as her partner that week, he was all happy and tended to have some light naughty thoughts about partnering with that girl who has a sexy lips and bold eyes. Well after all, he is just being a man. Not much of his faults, actually.

But then again, the fans or I must say the voters, took it differently. Marsha's presence on stage was considered as ok but te more they two go with one another with Marsha's presence at the the akademi which was broadcasted on the daily diaries have somehow caused disputes amongst Aril's fans whose largely comprise of women. This is why I said that gossip can hardly be good for the celebrities.

Although I've always like Hafiz's personality, his neutrality, his politeness and on top of that his big TALENT, I must still admit that Aril deserve to stay in there, compete to the final stage with the other excellent students like Isma, Hafiz and Claudia. Its going to be whole lot better if Rubisa and Zizi are still in.

After Ages...~

Yesterday was the much awaited day for me.

The very reason is, I was all-ebullient to meet my old friends from Kajang High School. We have been apart since we left KHS back in 2003. But that does not mean we were totally out of touch with one another. We normally have the annual meeting (at least once a year) which will re-unite us back after months of silence.

To be honest, I am very blessed to have a bunch of friends from both Convent Kajang and KHS who embrace the notion of solidarity. We will always try to make ourselves available for our gatherings, although at times some of us can only spend a mere hour for the gatherings. Well, we do respect the big commitments each of us have. So, as long as the willingness is obvious, that would be very much appreciated by us all.

Albeit the bond that has tied us into this solidarity, I must still admit that I also had the chance to came across several individuals whom I expected to add the numbers of my 'friends for life', but apparently, my expectation turned to be a false one. Although up until now me and my friends do not understand why those persons are acting that way, but deep down I know they do have reasons.

Well well, it is the individual autonomy to make choices of their own, so no biggie. However, I do not understand how they can relace the bond of solidarity which has been built for almost half of our age with some other stupid reasons, instead of finding the right way to iron things out. Ok, it is personal choice. Whatever.

But again, I am all blessed to have a bunch of lovely friends who really care about the value of this friendship and still embracing it.

So last night is another gathering for me and m KHS friends. For those who are not from Kajang, KHS is a boys school, but they do accept female students for Form Six. After completing SPM, most of my Convent friends went to Matriculations and colleges. As for me, I went straight to Form Six for two bold years. Well at first I thought that I will very much be a lone-ranger in that new school, but again, time has proven that I was more than totally wrong.

In KHS, I made lots and lots of new friends. Lots of good friends, indeed. It was a beutiful evening to be spent with them. Most of them are attached here and there, which is a good news to me.

And there seems to be one obvious trend amongst the boys, the Myvi trend is in now. That shows how the model has penetrated the market, espcially those in their 20's. Coolness!

I will always pray for my friends big successes in their life, regardless whee they are and what they do.

I am also hoping to hit the same chance again and again in the future to spend more time with my friends!

My Thursday's Thought

Right after I posted the previous blog entry, I dressed up and drove my way to one of KL's heaven, Kinokuniya!

I was looking for new books for my thesis writing and besides that, I endeavored for a book that discusses about the international relation between the rich nations and the the poor ones. The latter was not my priority, but alhamdulillah, I found two books for both endeavors.

I got myself the Mediamorphosis (written by my lecturers) and The White Man's Burden which was well written by William Easterly.

Well, I have been dearly wishing to buy the Mediamorphosis to support the justifications I wrote in my thesis. In the first place, I had this very naughty intention. I wanted to ask for a free copy from my lecturer. Or at least, she do not mind to lend me one. But when I come to think of it, I know, it is better for me to make the investment for my own benefit.

So I did.

On the other day, one of my lecturers assigned the with one interesting assignment which denoted a brilliant thought. We were asked to study the function of the media in giving international coverage for the underdeveloped countries. In simpler words, it is very much to finding one country which has been badly devastated due to the media occupations.

Well, my intention here is not to discuss about that particular country which me and my colleagues studied for that task. But, throughout the study we made, I finaly realised that the West, through their heterogeneous media channels, have played their part under the ticket promote the rights of the people.

But as it obviously is, the West efforts to aid the sufferers have done so much ill and so little good. These were all made possible through the power of the international media. Without they world realizing it, their occupations have dumped the people into a worst deprivation of human rights.

So, what is up with 'the white man's burden?'. The media plays a pivotal in this situation. The media can either make it or break it. The results show their blistering indictment in aiding the poor nations. Well, that is basically how I see the condition. It is undoubtedly precarious and daunting.

I am hoping that the new book explain to me better. I read the first chapter before purchasing it. And the articulations sound tremendously provocative, thus I jatuh cinta with it!

It is always interesting to study the mass media effects on societies worldwide. Different societies see the roles and functions of the media differently. And if we were to study the international media coverages on our dear Malaysia, we should not be suprise to see how they have moulded the world's perceptions towards the country.

It is scary to accept the fact. So there go the needs of our very own media practitioners in providing good portrayal about the country to naturalized the negativities out there.

Let's take the challenge, y'all and be more responsible.

Blogging in Big Smile

It has been a month since my last post. I've been dearly waiting for this chance to come again. Finally finally.

By now, it is already half of this semester. Alhamdulillah.

Although the journey was not that easy, but generally, I am blessed with the strength given by Allah SWT that has helped me to pull through the situations. Nothing can comes easily without hard work, determination and perseverance. Finally, tawakkaltu lillahi ta'ala.

My heart has been crying really hard to blog. But again, the crazy schedule and deadlines have disabled me from doing so. I had hard times redefining the priority when it comes to this. Ceh!

I am so not sure what should I say and where should I start now. Well, these fingers will be typing as intructed by the mind. So, I bet I need not to worry. Hee!

What's up with my third semester?

Well well. This semester is one of the toughest ones so far. But, there is a big YET. Yet, it is beutiful. Apart from the fact that I am surrounded by lovely kakaks (the classmates), the three courses I am taking this semester denote beutiful challenges that make me a better person who can better appreciate the meaning of life. It sounds weird, I know. But that is the significant impact of this semester to me. And the fact is, I am so LOVING IT!

At first, I personally thought that the Telecommunication Media Management course is so going to be a dull one. In fact, I had this very skeptical perception towards the Media Laws and Regulations even before the curtains were raised. Apparently, things turned the other way round and proved that I was totally wrong. I am all happy for that fact.

I keep telling myself that the root answer is always in me. I have the autonomy in deciding what is good and what is not for myself. Therefore, I know that I should not point finger to someone or something else if things failed to turn in the desirable way. It's basically my own decision. I must be responsible for my own life.

I have anticipated that my third semester schedule is going to be crazy. Well, IT IS. The third semester is the time when I have to juggle between several commitments (the three courses + Thesis + endeavor of my destiny!). The time has finally come to me and currently, I am squeezing myself into those three commitments which demand full commitment and patience. I believe that I am where I am because of the latter.

However, several remedies have soothed me well. I had my second appointment last week and the doctor explained that both of my toes are doing well. The new nails are growing and that is what I have been praying for. Additionally, two days ago, I went to collect my prize which I mentioned in the previous post. I am blessed with all this! Alhamdulillah.

::In Real Big Smile::

I want to welcome myself back to the addiction of writing my things!
Thee hee hee..~

I had to keep myself so intimate with the proposal writing in order for me to move to the second level of my research study within this semester. That commitment gave me no option rather than I had to adjourned myself from any other ecstasies- blogging and Facebooking are two of those ecstasies!

Before she left the school for her six-months medical leave, my mentor explained to me that I mustn't be way too restless about the thesis as the Graduate School and faculty are expecting us to go for the prelimenary stage for this semester. And in our final semester, which is just next semester, we are then expected to really concentrate on completing the research studies.

But knowing my own colours...

I knew that I have to swallow all of the restless-ness in order for me to accomplish my thesis in time.

I am a slow learner. I am not born brilliant, so I always remind myself to double up each and every of my efforts to be better and to seize what I wish in my life.

It can take the rest of my life to accomplish a single commitment if I were to take my very own sweet time. I started writing my research proposal two weeks before the third semester kicked-off, and I took almost a solid month to complete writing it. I submitted my proposal on last Monday.

Two days ago, I had another appointment with my Supervisor.

Alhamdulillah, she has fully approved my proposal. "You shall enter the second stage now, Intan", she adviced me so. But still, she reminds me to add more information for the Literature Review section that will only be included in the final report which is to be submitted next semester.

I am blessed to be under my Supervisor's supervision. Apart from the fact that she's an adept in Citizen Journalism studies, she's jovial, enthusiastic and supportive at one same time. Working with her is all about working hard, play hard and lough out loud. Throughout our forty minutes discussion on the previous apointment, she adviced me to put balance hours for my studies and thesis that will help me to stay focus and motivated. InsyaAllah, will do so, Professor!

Next week, I'll put my hands on designing the interview protocol for my future in-depth interviews with my respondents. And I am praying hard to be able to do so in two weeks time. I am planning to start doing the interviews during my two-months semester break which will starts in April. As for now till the end of this third semester, I've to focus more on my assignments, projects, tests and final exams. Deadlines are approaching me badly.

But now, I am so focusing myself for the two-days excursion (should I call it as an excursion or trip?) with a bunch of my lovely kakaks to Umbai and Port Dickson. Sea foods, jet-ski, banana boat, kayak and loads of photos are what we looking for. Hihi! Well, since a few of my classmates are going to tie the knots somewhen this year and early next year, so I consider this as the 'Bachelors' Days Out!' :)

And just a matter of sharing...~

Yesterday a person from Speedy Video called to inform me that I've won the Grand Prize of the Sex and the City's contest and will bring home RM1,000 worth of frangrances, body lotion, cream bath, etc. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulllah. I always believe that Allah SWT will answer His capliphs' prayers. InsyaAllah, COVET, my all time favourite frangrance is on my way for free. I've been desiring to have one of it, but COVET is pretty expensive for a student's budget like me ;)

Till my fingers meet the keyboard again..!~

:)

::SNAKE MASSAGES, anyone..?::

This is much safer and better than the slithery one

While I was waiting for my turn to see the doctor on last Friday, I knew I am so supposed to bring reading materials to be my companion.

True enough, I reached the hospital sharp at 9am. I was an hour late then my scheduled appointment. The bumper-to-bumper crawl sucks oke. But anyway, I waited for almost one and a half hour before they called me in.

They don't allow people to use laptops in the hospital. I don't have a handphone-cum-media player. My Nano is dead a very long time ago. So obviously, I can only read too kill the time. I brought the latest copy of Reader's Digest and my one of my thesis references to help me stay alive.

Kids were crying everywhere. Adults chatted in almost their loudest voices. Nurses were screaming to call-in their patients. Demmit. It was way too hard for me to focused my mind reading my thesis references and I finally decided to read R.D.

R.D has never put me off. The way they do their writings are simple. Public-interest is all that they offer in their copies. Not-so-serious way of conducting journalism that makes their content cut for all regardless of anything. A perfect escapism for to save me from the chaotic immediate surrounding.

Of course, the interview they had with Obama is the precious middle-page content. But what attracts me best is the 'Right Here, Right Now' section which introduces the Snake Massages.

The photo depicted a man handling four snakes of different colors (but all look poisonous!) on another man's body. Hwa hwa hwa....~ Geli-geleman ako.

Oke oke.

Let's get straight to the story. A health and beuty spa located in northern Israel offers a service designed to make their customers' tensions slither away as the snakes slither on their bodies in a very slithery way. But of course a pro will handle those creatures but that ensures me no safety anyway. Snakes are always snakes, right?

So, the treatment consists of non-venomous snakes (ya righttt laa!) wriggling and hissing accros the client's aching muscles and joints. Such a treatment cost 300 shakels (+-$78). And one of the therapists explained that many people find the snakes have a soothing effect. That makes me ponder..How in the world could that be?

Mind to give that a try, peeps?

Hah!

:))