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Thursday, May 7, 2009

My Incautious Expression

"Am I incensed?", I repeatedly asked myself . "No. I am not. I am not incensed. I am not disappointed. I am not sorrowful. I am numb". Yes, the latter is the correct interpretation. I would rather be numbed than thinking of the painful thoughts. I just don't want to bleed again. Ever. If only possible. I have had enough of that. At least, so far. 'Kekuatan hati yang berpegang janji'. Sebelum Cahaya got it all right.

When another promise is refuted, could that make me better frustrated? If the answer is a yes, then I bet I have to re-define the term, correctly this time. Accordingly to my very mould to match my very condition. Apparently, I knew I can never do that.

If the question is why, then here is my answer, "I have been carried away far from that, and I found myself not able to pick up the broken pieces". If the other question asks me what the heck am I doing now? My answer would probably be, "I am with the flow and it can take me wherever". I wouldn't stop, not until I reach the best resort, I guess.

'Jangan biarkan diri anda menjadi sesuatu yang pasti, kerana kelak anda tidak akan dihargai'. I have learned a lot from my previous mistakes. I am used to being stupid. Been a slave. Been there, done that. I thought Icould handle situation well. But it seems like it is getting out of my hands and have challenged my patience way too much. I just afraid that numb is all I have in me now and nothing else. Is that dangerous? I am not so sure. But I am sure that I am keeping up with my sanity. Plus, patience is bulding up. Alhamdulillah.

When you have given your very best for something, yet the result is not up to the par then it is wise to put another pilot test. This time, you still give your very best and lowering down the expectation because you thought that you could give enough rooms for the new seeds to grow on its own and most importantly you won't bleed that much. But apparently, there is no indicator of positve changes, let alone keeping up with your heart. Next, you give the bestest that you could ever do with null expectation because you do not want to burden the subject anymore and you yourself would bleed less. Still, it is not moving anywhere. Discussions over discussions have taken place and one day you feel like there is nothing left on the table. Have cried a river and one day you find yourself not understanding the purpose of crying. Bleed like a fountain and finally you're so numb. As if everything has been incinerated and you can see ashes everywhere. You tried to pick up the ashes, but found nothing else left in your grips than the dark marks.

The heart is stumbled and throwing me to the ground. Like completely. Hanya Engkau dihatiku, Ya Allah.





3 comments:

princess.dHani said...

bloghopping :)

KERISMAWATI said...

Thanks for dropping by.
:)

Fast Bone said...
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