Seeing Nimbus...Seeing Rainbow

Today, I was awakened by an unidentifiable something at around 6am. Well well, I consider that as normal for myself nowadays. But as soon as I opened my eyes, I wished myself to have a beutiful Saturday.

Mind to know the reason for that?

I am so going to gather up with my beloved besties today, including Kak Nick, one of my bestest seniors back in Convent years. We've been apart for ages. And I guess it is not too much of exaggeration if I say that today is another historic day for me to be able to meet her!

I know very well that the 'heart' is not doing a-oke these few weeks. It may have started months ago before I finally found myself not being able to take it anymore. At times, I pointed my finger at me, taking all blames for not making the right decision. Or at least, for not being able to make the right decision for myself. I realized, "Aku tidak tahu dimana harus memulakannya untuk mengakhiri sesuatu".

Life can be harder than this. I know that for sure. But then again, the decision is in our hands. We choose what we want in this life. It is very much about making the right decision. Being bold. Living a smart life. Learn from previous mistakes. Looking at experiences (both sweet and bitter) in retrospect.

Each time come to think of it, I choose to be happy. I choose to focus myself for myself. For my very own future. For my parents. For my beloved ones (people, you know who you are). For the bond between me and Allah SWT.

I realized that I am still very far from the person I really want to be. Still very far from what it takes to seize my ambition. And in order to get myself 'there', I should be able to make the right decisions in this life. To be courageous in facing obstacles. To always keep my Iman in whatever situation. InsyaAllah. And for things other than that, aku membiarkan Allah Taala suluhkan jawapannya.

I know I can help myself to pull through this nebulous condition. And only me can do so. So why would I choose to be sad?

My Incautious Expression

"Am I incensed?", I repeatedly asked myself . "No. I am not. I am not incensed. I am not disappointed. I am not sorrowful. I am numb". Yes, the latter is the correct interpretation. I would rather be numbed than thinking of the painful thoughts. I just don't want to bleed again. Ever. If only possible. I have had enough of that. At least, so far. 'Kekuatan hati yang berpegang janji'. Sebelum Cahaya got it all right.

When another promise is refuted, could that make me better frustrated? If the answer is a yes, then I bet I have to re-define the term, correctly this time. Accordingly to my very mould to match my very condition. Apparently, I knew I can never do that.

If the question is why, then here is my answer, "I have been carried away far from that, and I found myself not able to pick up the broken pieces". If the other question asks me what the heck am I doing now? My answer would probably be, "I am with the flow and it can take me wherever". I wouldn't stop, not until I reach the best resort, I guess.

'Jangan biarkan diri anda menjadi sesuatu yang pasti, kerana kelak anda tidak akan dihargai'. I have learned a lot from my previous mistakes. I am used to being stupid. Been a slave. Been there, done that. I thought Icould handle situation well. But it seems like it is getting out of my hands and have challenged my patience way too much. I just afraid that numb is all I have in me now and nothing else. Is that dangerous? I am not so sure. But I am sure that I am keeping up with my sanity. Plus, patience is bulding up. Alhamdulillah.

When you have given your very best for something, yet the result is not up to the par then it is wise to put another pilot test. This time, you still give your very best and lowering down the expectation because you thought that you could give enough rooms for the new seeds to grow on its own and most importantly you won't bleed that much. But apparently, there is no indicator of positve changes, let alone keeping up with your heart. Next, you give the bestest that you could ever do with null expectation because you do not want to burden the subject anymore and you yourself would bleed less. Still, it is not moving anywhere. Discussions over discussions have taken place and one day you feel like there is nothing left on the table. Have cried a river and one day you find yourself not understanding the purpose of crying. Bleed like a fountain and finally you're so numb. As if everything has been incinerated and you can see ashes everywhere. You tried to pick up the ashes, but found nothing else left in your grips than the dark marks.

The heart is stumbled and throwing me to the ground. Like completely. Hanya Engkau dihatiku, Ya Allah.

The Euphoric Effect

It was really good to sleep with blinking stars and smiling moon looking at me. The angel read for me fairy tales to put me to sound sleep. I felt like sleeping the beuty!

Both of my alarm clock and cell phone bugged me sharp at 6.30am. I woke up all in bug-eyed knowing that I'll be meeting my bestie very soon. The beatific expression remains up until now. I just like the beauteous feeling I have in me now. Please stay there. Forever.

I worked accordingly to the plan me and my friend have arranged earlier. It's one of her important days working as the Pegawai Tadbir Diplomatk (PTD). She has picked me as her 'referee' for the today's interview. I reached her crib sharp at 8am. And we made our moves to the Jabatan Perdana Menteri (JPM) like fifteen minutes past eight.

It was just another busy morning in Putrajaya. Vehicles were vrooming here and there, left and right. I felt like a small bug hindred in the middle of abound hooligans. I hate it so much.

But I was pacified once I entered the office- beaus and beefcakes were almost everywhere! Me and my friend found it to be interesting for bachelors like us. Hoo-ha. Naughtiness was creeping in the two of us.

There is one thing for sure. Whenever I am with my besties, there is almost no chance for the silent moments from taking place between us. We are very good at gabfesting this and that. Everything that crossed our minds and eyes could possibly be another momentous experience that would lead us to great meriments.

We reached the second floor at around 8.45am. My friend's interview was scheduled to be at 9am. But both of us felt that it is always good to anticipate as we were expecting for the unexpected. Apparently, everything was in place and alhamdulillah. The invigilator called my friend at around 9.15am and thirty minutes after that, my turn came up.

I spent around 10 minutes in the room answering this and that but it's another cool experience for me. I like. The 'interrogation' by the special branch (SB) went smoothly, more than what I expected. Alhamdulillah again.

I made new friends. I had great new experience being interviewed by SB. I spent great time with my best friend. I observed pretty much today as I were brought to a place I've never been to. In simpler words, it was a beaut experience for me to empower myself better, in many ways. I always love golden opportunities like this.

As for tomorrow, I hope that I deserve another beauteous day. Again and again. More and more. I am crossing my fingers for myself. InsyaAllah.

P/s: I am writing this entry under great influence. Please excuse my insanity. I am half concious at the momento.

Quizzes: The Madness that We All Loved.

The alarm was set to bug me at 6.30am, but I was awaken by the distracted mind at 5.30am, instead. I do not mind to start my day earlier than what I have planned, but I hate to be engrossed by uncertain thoughts. I feel like a moron sitting in my dark room and absorbed by very distractful thoughts. Up until now, I can still feel that something barking out-loud in my head.

Fine. I am so leaving it right there, at least for a while in order for me to earnestly look for the right way to kickstart my Tuesday.

When I was on my way home after my breakfast, I pulled at the newsstand. The uncle knows best what I was looking for and handed to me one. It has all good news about the country's economic condition on the front page, but my eyes were steadfasted on one of the small highlights on the top part of the paper- 'Mad About Crazy Facebook Quizzes'. Ah, it made me feels like I have been printed in the newspaper. I was jolted!

Should I say anything more about the quizzes we found in that fastest growing and effective network? We know it best, I know for sure! The consultant clinical psychologist, Paul Jambunathan advices the people not to take the quizzes seriously. Did we ever? I seriously don't think so. But I am not saying that the observation made by the scholars is inaccurate, but at least, it is inaccurate to justify me. I repeat, at least.

The quiz creator said he was doing it for fun and we are taking it likewise. Why in the world should we rely on the results generated by the itsy-bitsy quizzes? We know ourselves way better than the quizzes can tell! Obviously, those five to ten questions are not adequate enough to generate realiable results. But again, the quizzes and results are no biggie. No one will depends on that like it is another damning fact that should be seriously taken into account.

As for me, personally, my madness towards the quizzes could mean nothing more than the need for me to kill the time since I am still in the early phase of my holidays. I planned to rest my head and to have time just for myself durng the first three weeks of the holidays before I get myself back with my thesis thingys. Although most of the quizzes are plain noncense, but I am taking it as an interesting yet cheap escapism to help me lay back a little bit. That is all about it. It cannot be more serious than that. Done deal.

Paul Jambunathan said to the media that Facebook members deprived themselves of 'real socialising and networking' with others by spending hours in front of the computers. I know I must not dispute this statement, but I bet it is almost unfair to simply generalize it in that way for millons of Facebookers global wide. Me and my friends are not caught in such a condition. Although we do not see each other regularly, but we always make sure that we will pilfer some exclusive moments to be shared together.

Me myself see the noble role of Facebook to better connect my friends and me. By connecting ourselves via Facebook, we can always ensure that we are always in close touch with one another, despite other commitments that require strong devotion in this life. Facebook can pull us together, closer.

I don't see any undesirable outcomes due to Facebooking if everyone knows how to handle this network well enough. To me, Facebook is just another means to socialize ourselves. And it is capable of doing so.

Facebook is the fastest growing and effective means of communication. Now that we have deciphered its capability(I am still referring to the quizzes on Facebook), I guess it can be well manipulated by the ruling leaders to better connect themselves with the people out there. In simpler words, the government can utilise this very function to getting the responses from the public, thus promote better practice of democracy in this country.

Most of Malaysians are doing well with this feature. Most of us are good at taking the quizzes. I see the possibility for the government in bringing the people to actively participate throughout the electoral system through these quizzes. What should be the five to ten questions then? Well, we have more than five to ten issues pertaining to the needs of the people. Figuring the right issues is central to this move. Perhaps this move tally with Prime Minister's quest to achieve the key performance index (KPI) which denotes the idea that 'satisfaction fo the rakyat is benchark of success'.

Point taken.

Understand 'Our Language', anyone?

A few days back, when I was flipping the newspaper, I came across one article which was well articulated by one of Malaysian renowned writers. The piece appeared in the op-ed column.

Before I go any further, I really feel the need to compliment the writer for articulating compelling thoughts, for being bold and in short, for being the voice for the youths. To me, it isot easy to get such ideas printed in the mainstream paper. But this time around, I believed that the paper has challenged its traditional policy and I musy say, BRAVO!

During the general election last year, Barisan Nasional (BN) was devastated due to the results- they lost five states to the opposition parties, Pakatan Rakyat (comprises of PAS, DAP and PKR). Although it went way out of what was expected by the ruling leaders at that time, but this is what we call as democracy. The people has that very power and right in the electoral system.

When we talk about the people who are largely the voters, we are not merely pointing to the middle age and the older ones. Indeed, the young voters should be in the central of concern as they are the rising generation who will replace the elders. Wecare the buzzword. So count us in.

It is important for BN and especially UMNO to realize that the youths are heavy media users. Unlike those in their middle age and the older voters, they largely depend merely on the mainstream media (newspapers, TV and radio), the youths are very fond of the new media and it is undoubtedly true that the Internet has been playing its pervasive role in changing the atitude, mind-set and moulding their beliefs.

With the existence of new media, the media users, especially those who are technology-savvies are no longer mere media users, but they have been categorized as the active media users instead. Active media users get all kinds of information they ever needed through the heterogeneous means of comunication. The new media has made information availability ubiquitous and know-no-boundaries.

And it is pivotal to note that active media users will not blatantly accept news and information fed by the mainstream media as they are all alerted with the role of agenda-setting in the news organizations, regardless of how much the traditional media prove themselves to be objective and fair. Being the 'neutral party' is still way out of the picture as the people knew for sure that almost all newspapers in the country belong to specific political parties whereas they should be 'free from any influences'.

As the active media users, the youths have more than the mainstream media as their information providers. Indeed, provided the political contidion in the country, they have tremendously switched from the mainstream media to the alternative media. But, it does not mean that the mainstream media has been abandoned by the youths. It is just that they demand for more transparency throughout the political practices and the media activities alike.

It is inevitably true that the new media, especially the Internet has filled that 'empty hole'. The quest for freedom of information is on the march. While freedom can bring about undesirable outcomes that would likely to threatened the political stability and uniformity of the people, freedom is also a remedy to anticipating the efforts to avoid disputes in the society.

It is important to understand the difference between 'absolute freedom' and the notion of being a little bit more lenient by putting forth the freedom. The people are not demanding for the former as they can totally understand the consequences, but transparency is the buzzword here. Freedom of information is much needed to pacify the situation we have in our hands now.

Some hidebound people tend to point their fingers blaming the media for being the causal factor. They wrongly analyzed that the ruling government is giving too much leeway for the media practitioners to make their own decisions using their autonomy. But honestly I personally see and can still feel that our media are lacking in freedom to impart information, let alone the issue on autonomous power. What we have here is very much a guarded and guided media.

The new lineup should be abe to recognize the pivotal role of new media and its pervasive influence in reaching the youths out there. They cannot depend solely o the mainstream media because hefty reseaches have proven that the youths are the information technoloy geneation. BN should utilise the wide wings of new media in bringing their vision and mission closer to the people. The alternative media is gaining its momentum tremendously. Some observers believed that the alternative media is the new mainstream media.