Please Learn PLEASE. Never Be Sorry to Say SORRY. Thank You for Saying THANK YOU

PLEASE and SORRY. Not to forget, THANK YOU.

Do they seem to be the hardest word? We make the choice. We choose to make them the hard ones amidst the fact that it's way easier to say them out rather than saying 'I love you' or 'I miss you' or 'I can never live this life without you' or say whatever!

As for me, you don't really have to remind me of how much you love or miss me, neither to say the latter if you can't really be good at saying those three words mentioned above.

It's bitter, but I've to admit it with a big yes that most Malaysians share this common problem. They always find it hard to thank although people have done them a big-time favor. Sorry seems to be the hardest word although it's clear that they have committed misconducts or wrongdoings. And instead of being polite by saying 'please', they tend to act like a snob. Feel offended now? Think again.

We needn't pay a single penny for saying a thank you, please and sorry. Neither that we need to think twice to say so. Say it when we have to say it without pondering longer.

There's another common thought amongst most Malaysians. We've always afraid of the people's reactions to us. We're afraid of not getting good responses from others when we say those words, so we would rather choose not to say any of them. Why should we think of the responses? And for the sake of egoism, we would rather retard the humanistic values. Think again.

I've got a few (many, to be exact!) experiences on this very issue. It's very common when we are using the lifts. Many of us tend to walk out of the lifts without thanking the person who really took the effort to pushed the door-open button as much as the person could just ignore the possibility that you might get stucked between the doors. It won't cost us anything to thank the person who have mind of your safety. It'll in fact encourage that very person and others witnessing it to be more generous.

Many Malaysians thought they're brilliant and civilised enough, especially those who lived in urban areas. They've always deemed themselves to be way better than others in many ways but in fact, their wisdom and values of civilization are evaporating. That would lead them to act like a dullard. That's what we normally find in our daily lives.

It's undoubtedly true that we're living in a very modern world now. But modernisation doesn't denote the idea of letting go the civic concerns and mutual respect between one another. The price shouldn't be that expensive anyway. So, why would we choose to make it costly now?

Malaysians, we don't need a reason to act generous. Think of this.

Sorry to offend anyone and thank you for the thoughts. Together, let's make a big change now. Please.

This One Needs No Title

As much as I should be hunting for contact details of the prospective informants for my thesis, I found myself doing this. My heart has been in dire need to spell out its smiles and cries since the last post.

But then again, I got so tied up with my crazy schedule these lately. Well, I am so bringing it on, now (Dear Thesis, I promise I'll come back to you as soon as I posted this one!).

First of all, I would like to convey my big thanks to Allah SWT for His blesses for the imperfect me. I just received one big good news last night. MOHE has approved my scholarship application.

Well that is just for what I am doing now. But, that is a positive indicator for what I have planned for my dear future. I am so keeping it first with me now. Not until I finally manage to prolong the scholarship for my studies, next year. Therefore, I guess I must not forget to thank MOHE likewise for its generosity.

A few days ago, I attended a public forum organized by the Institute of Ethnic Studies of Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM) at the Integrity Institute of Malaysia (IIM).

The almost-three-hours forum was moderated by Datin Paduka Marina Mahathir (I was even noted about this through her blog. So, thank you Rantings!) and the guest speaker was Prof. Dr. Aneez Esmail, from the University of Manchester, United Kingdom.

Suits with the current political and racial climate in Malaysia, 'RACE RELATIONS: The British Experience' was promised to be an enormously meaningful discourse for all Malaysians who are 'losing the grip', the grip of unity. I hope I got it right. I'll be writing another piece specifically on this one later on.

I have to be honest that all these while, I was caught in the state of ennui for quite some times. I am so not sure of its contributing factor, but seriously, I just can't deny the fact that I have been carried away too far from myself, from the real me.

However, I know that is the price I had to pay for engaging myself in the 'not-so-right business'. Not until I finally pulled myself to pull through that moronic condition. And in this case, I forever owe a big thank to a few persons who have been my shoulder to cry on and for being my strength when I was losing it badly.

Ties of tasks await me now. Toefl is just around the corner and I am so freaking out. Final semester will be raising its curtains very soon. 10 interviews are on my list (the number could grow more). I have to get my resumes done before September or else I can only dream of continuing my studies by next year. My Supervisor is expecting me to start my writing part as soon as the final semester kicks off. Thesis deadline is in October. Viva is expected to be in November.

It is killing me softly and I would be a piece of dead meat if I were to fail to accomplish them all. And for these, I cannot keep my worries in disguise. But then again, I refuse to be engrossed by disenchantment as much as I realize that my desired ambition is still way far from me.

I used to taking one step at a time. From now on, I am teaching myself to make double efforts for each and every steps that I take in order to for me to 'seize' my ambition in time, accordingly to my plan.

Strength, please stay with me. I need to keep the fortitude on green lights.

I Love Me.

At times I wondered, "Can I get the kiss of life again?". At times I felt like the pain-in-the-ass is still there. At times I was able to convinced myself that I make the choice. Although I can still feel the venom, but at least, it is not bleeding like a fountain anymore.

So does that means it is recuperating? I just hope so. I am hoping a big hope, indeed.

Looking at this life in retrospect, I know very well that 'I've been here, done this'. For more than once. Four times to be exact. Four times with great pains. Four times living in denial. Four times as a slave.

Can those four-times make me stronger to face this life?

Again, the choice is mine. I know I should be able to make the right decisions for my ownself. For my dear future. For the best of me. And for those who loved me.

I consoled myself by reminding me that it is my kismet. Written and fated to be so. Those are the promises I made to Allah SWT in the previous life, long before I was born. Iman and do'a are the best strengths that help me to pull through. Now that I have made that decision, I have to move on with this life.

There is no use for me making such a decision and still letting the soul be carried away with the old flows. I have to get back to the driver seat, now! The decision is so in my autonomous power. And if I were to let the autonomous powers of others to rule my life, I can be nominated as the foolish person of the year.

The catastrophe was now behind me. The worst of the time will remain as my history. The reality awaits and that is what I should focus myself from now on. I had devoted thesoul, heart and the brain for that something enough. Way too much, indeed. Now it is time for me to buckle up and move forward swiftly. InsyaAllah.

There is no turning back once I have made up my mind. The decision will stay right there, forever. InsyaAllah. I won't buy the casuistry. Please let me walk alone. I want to fly free now and I am so getting myself the wings.

I Love Me. So much.

Seeing Nimbus...Seeing Rainbow

Today, I was awakened by an unidentifiable something at around 6am. Well well, I consider that as normal for myself nowadays. But as soon as I opened my eyes, I wished myself to have a beutiful Saturday.

Mind to know the reason for that?

I am so going to gather up with my beloved besties today, including Kak Nick, one of my bestest seniors back in Convent years. We've been apart for ages. And I guess it is not too much of exaggeration if I say that today is another historic day for me to be able to meet her!

I know very well that the 'heart' is not doing a-oke these few weeks. It may have started months ago before I finally found myself not being able to take it anymore. At times, I pointed my finger at me, taking all blames for not making the right decision. Or at least, for not being able to make the right decision for myself. I realized, "Aku tidak tahu dimana harus memulakannya untuk mengakhiri sesuatu".

Life can be harder than this. I know that for sure. But then again, the decision is in our hands. We choose what we want in this life. It is very much about making the right decision. Being bold. Living a smart life. Learn from previous mistakes. Looking at experiences (both sweet and bitter) in retrospect.

Each time come to think of it, I choose to be happy. I choose to focus myself for myself. For my very own future. For my parents. For my beloved ones (people, you know who you are). For the bond between me and Allah SWT.

I realized that I am still very far from the person I really want to be. Still very far from what it takes to seize my ambition. And in order to get myself 'there', I should be able to make the right decisions in this life. To be courageous in facing obstacles. To always keep my Iman in whatever situation. InsyaAllah. And for things other than that, aku membiarkan Allah Taala suluhkan jawapannya.

I know I can help myself to pull through this nebulous condition. And only me can do so. So why would I choose to be sad?

My Incautious Expression

"Am I incensed?", I repeatedly asked myself . "No. I am not. I am not incensed. I am not disappointed. I am not sorrowful. I am numb". Yes, the latter is the correct interpretation. I would rather be numbed than thinking of the painful thoughts. I just don't want to bleed again. Ever. If only possible. I have had enough of that. At least, so far. 'Kekuatan hati yang berpegang janji'. Sebelum Cahaya got it all right.

When another promise is refuted, could that make me better frustrated? If the answer is a yes, then I bet I have to re-define the term, correctly this time. Accordingly to my very mould to match my very condition. Apparently, I knew I can never do that.

If the question is why, then here is my answer, "I have been carried away far from that, and I found myself not able to pick up the broken pieces". If the other question asks me what the heck am I doing now? My answer would probably be, "I am with the flow and it can take me wherever". I wouldn't stop, not until I reach the best resort, I guess.

'Jangan biarkan diri anda menjadi sesuatu yang pasti, kerana kelak anda tidak akan dihargai'. I have learned a lot from my previous mistakes. I am used to being stupid. Been a slave. Been there, done that. I thought Icould handle situation well. But it seems like it is getting out of my hands and have challenged my patience way too much. I just afraid that numb is all I have in me now and nothing else. Is that dangerous? I am not so sure. But I am sure that I am keeping up with my sanity. Plus, patience is bulding up. Alhamdulillah.

When you have given your very best for something, yet the result is not up to the par then it is wise to put another pilot test. This time, you still give your very best and lowering down the expectation because you thought that you could give enough rooms for the new seeds to grow on its own and most importantly you won't bleed that much. But apparently, there is no indicator of positve changes, let alone keeping up with your heart. Next, you give the bestest that you could ever do with null expectation because you do not want to burden the subject anymore and you yourself would bleed less. Still, it is not moving anywhere. Discussions over discussions have taken place and one day you feel like there is nothing left on the table. Have cried a river and one day you find yourself not understanding the purpose of crying. Bleed like a fountain and finally you're so numb. As if everything has been incinerated and you can see ashes everywhere. You tried to pick up the ashes, but found nothing else left in your grips than the dark marks.

The heart is stumbled and throwing me to the ground. Like completely. Hanya Engkau dihatiku, Ya Allah.

The Euphoric Effect

It was really good to sleep with blinking stars and smiling moon looking at me. The angel read for me fairy tales to put me to sound sleep. I felt like sleeping the beuty!

Both of my alarm clock and cell phone bugged me sharp at 6.30am. I woke up all in bug-eyed knowing that I'll be meeting my bestie very soon. The beatific expression remains up until now. I just like the beauteous feeling I have in me now. Please stay there. Forever.

I worked accordingly to the plan me and my friend have arranged earlier. It's one of her important days working as the Pegawai Tadbir Diplomatk (PTD). She has picked me as her 'referee' for the today's interview. I reached her crib sharp at 8am. And we made our moves to the Jabatan Perdana Menteri (JPM) like fifteen minutes past eight.

It was just another busy morning in Putrajaya. Vehicles were vrooming here and there, left and right. I felt like a small bug hindred in the middle of abound hooligans. I hate it so much.

But I was pacified once I entered the office- beaus and beefcakes were almost everywhere! Me and my friend found it to be interesting for bachelors like us. Hoo-ha. Naughtiness was creeping in the two of us.

There is one thing for sure. Whenever I am with my besties, there is almost no chance for the silent moments from taking place between us. We are very good at gabfesting this and that. Everything that crossed our minds and eyes could possibly be another momentous experience that would lead us to great meriments.

We reached the second floor at around 8.45am. My friend's interview was scheduled to be at 9am. But both of us felt that it is always good to anticipate as we were expecting for the unexpected. Apparently, everything was in place and alhamdulillah. The invigilator called my friend at around 9.15am and thirty minutes after that, my turn came up.

I spent around 10 minutes in the room answering this and that but it's another cool experience for me. I like. The 'interrogation' by the special branch (SB) went smoothly, more than what I expected. Alhamdulillah again.

I made new friends. I had great new experience being interviewed by SB. I spent great time with my best friend. I observed pretty much today as I were brought to a place I've never been to. In simpler words, it was a beaut experience for me to empower myself better, in many ways. I always love golden opportunities like this.

As for tomorrow, I hope that I deserve another beauteous day. Again and again. More and more. I am crossing my fingers for myself. InsyaAllah.

P/s: I am writing this entry under great influence. Please excuse my insanity. I am half concious at the momento.

Quizzes: The Madness that We All Loved.

The alarm was set to bug me at 6.30am, but I was awaken by the distracted mind at 5.30am, instead. I do not mind to start my day earlier than what I have planned, but I hate to be engrossed by uncertain thoughts. I feel like a moron sitting in my dark room and absorbed by very distractful thoughts. Up until now, I can still feel that something barking out-loud in my head.

Fine. I am so leaving it right there, at least for a while in order for me to earnestly look for the right way to kickstart my Tuesday.

When I was on my way home after my breakfast, I pulled at the newsstand. The uncle knows best what I was looking for and handed to me one. It has all good news about the country's economic condition on the front page, but my eyes were steadfasted on one of the small highlights on the top part of the paper- 'Mad About Crazy Facebook Quizzes'. Ah, it made me feels like I have been printed in the newspaper. I was jolted!

Should I say anything more about the quizzes we found in that fastest growing and effective network? We know it best, I know for sure! The consultant clinical psychologist, Paul Jambunathan advices the people not to take the quizzes seriously. Did we ever? I seriously don't think so. But I am not saying that the observation made by the scholars is inaccurate, but at least, it is inaccurate to justify me. I repeat, at least.

The quiz creator said he was doing it for fun and we are taking it likewise. Why in the world should we rely on the results generated by the itsy-bitsy quizzes? We know ourselves way better than the quizzes can tell! Obviously, those five to ten questions are not adequate enough to generate realiable results. But again, the quizzes and results are no biggie. No one will depends on that like it is another damning fact that should be seriously taken into account.

As for me, personally, my madness towards the quizzes could mean nothing more than the need for me to kill the time since I am still in the early phase of my holidays. I planned to rest my head and to have time just for myself durng the first three weeks of the holidays before I get myself back with my thesis thingys. Although most of the quizzes are plain noncense, but I am taking it as an interesting yet cheap escapism to help me lay back a little bit. That is all about it. It cannot be more serious than that. Done deal.

Paul Jambunathan said to the media that Facebook members deprived themselves of 'real socialising and networking' with others by spending hours in front of the computers. I know I must not dispute this statement, but I bet it is almost unfair to simply generalize it in that way for millons of Facebookers global wide. Me and my friends are not caught in such a condition. Although we do not see each other regularly, but we always make sure that we will pilfer some exclusive moments to be shared together.

Me myself see the noble role of Facebook to better connect my friends and me. By connecting ourselves via Facebook, we can always ensure that we are always in close touch with one another, despite other commitments that require strong devotion in this life. Facebook can pull us together, closer.

I don't see any undesirable outcomes due to Facebooking if everyone knows how to handle this network well enough. To me, Facebook is just another means to socialize ourselves. And it is capable of doing so.

Facebook is the fastest growing and effective means of communication. Now that we have deciphered its capability(I am still referring to the quizzes on Facebook), I guess it can be well manipulated by the ruling leaders to better connect themselves with the people out there. In simpler words, the government can utilise this very function to getting the responses from the public, thus promote better practice of democracy in this country.

Most of Malaysians are doing well with this feature. Most of us are good at taking the quizzes. I see the possibility for the government in bringing the people to actively participate throughout the electoral system through these quizzes. What should be the five to ten questions then? Well, we have more than five to ten issues pertaining to the needs of the people. Figuring the right issues is central to this move. Perhaps this move tally with Prime Minister's quest to achieve the key performance index (KPI) which denotes the idea that 'satisfaction fo the rakyat is benchark of success'.

Point taken.